Being Vulnerable

I've debating for years whether or not to start up a blog. It's such a public forum. This is the place I will put down my deep thoughts or nonsensical comments. Where I will express myself without judgment or censorship. It will be my attempt to be free of all other voices and be honest to myself.

I'm a quiet person by nature so I was never one for being or needing to be heard. I have always been surrounded by people who were talkative, expressive, loud and at times all about themselves (I said I was going to be honest). I've always felt that my opinion didn't matter or that my ideas weren't good enough to express. I did myself a disservice as a young person. I allowed myself to be silenced and looked upon as a wallflower that faded continually until there was nothing to be seen. There were times when I stepped out of the shadows and enjoyed the sunlight but I was always caught in an overcast. I never seem to be able to speak my mind clearly. I was always so careful of what I said and how I said it. I felt like I was the manager of others emotions to what I was saying. If I say this I might hurt someone's feeling. If I say I disagree, will you still be my friend? Do you really want my opinion or do you want me to tell you what you want? I was running everything I was thinking through an enormous filter, that most of the time I stayed quiet. I never quite felt I could be myself. At times I didn't even know who I was. I allowed others to dictate my actions and words that I never was sure what was them and what was me. 

As I grew into adulthood that same cloud of uncertainty followed my pathway. There were even things in my relationship with Christ that I was uncertain. The fundamentals of my belief were solid but there where some gray areas that I wasn't sure of. I had based many from my church's and parents' belief but I had failed to investigate these matters for myself. I needed to have the conviction of these matters myself. I could not rely on others to think for me. My college years where growing years. My faith grew stronger and my thoughts flourished. But just because my thoughts had room to groove didn't mean that they expressed themselves often. I think that I was still hiding in my shell of uncertainty. I was very scared of being hurt or ridiculed. Kids in their ignorance can say hurtful things let alone an adult with experience. At times I was paralyzed by fear. They were terrible moments. But as my faith grew so did my courage. Being in God's Word was my saving grace.

Now in the present I still struggle with my voice and everyone else's voice. But not to the extreme of my past. I still have my moments of uncertainty and doubt but with the Lord's help I will break free of fears and FIND MY VOICE.